Post-operative visit to the oncologist

When you've had any operation to fix prostate cancer, there are always issues that emerge, whether they are to do with urination, sexual ability or bowel movements. It's all congregated in that one little area. In terms of design, it's not that optimal, really. The poor old urethra - bodily fluids motorway in men - passes right through the prostate so, if you tamper with the prostate, you're going to piss off the urethra.

Hence, one will have post-operative symptoms of soreness when passing water or during ejaculation. Or worse, it might completely block up as the prostate swells in protest, constricting the flow. So, discussing this with your doctor, about seven weeks after the operation, is normally fairly high on the embarrassment scale. Factor in that the doctor is about 23 and female and there's a nice female nurse in attendance, giggling in the corner and you have an idea of why Gloria and I just thought, "Sod it! We'll just tell it as it is."

The doctor uses euphemisms where she can, but when it comes to erectile function, she's basically left with the simple question, "And how is your erectile function." Cue me glancing at Gloria, who smiles knowingly and we both tell the story of our fumbled attempts at congress. "We did get there though," says Gloria, winningly. "So that's OK."

Having covered all the above topics and been given a blood test bag and another "Male Questionnaire", we left, wondering quite what the meeting was for. The only real fact that emerged was that my PSA had not gone down. "Nothing to worry about. Perfectly normal," said the doctor, while I worried that the cancer was galloping like a stampeding rhino through my lymph system. So that was OK then. The next blood test should show some improvement. Quite what happens if it doesn't, I'm not sure.

However, one good thing was that no one wants to see me for two months so, Gloria and I can go away on holiday! Huzzah! And, the condom rule expires in a week. You'd forgotten? After brachytherapy, you need to use condoms in case you shoot out radioactive seeds. For me, these are the biggest passion killers ever. So, come that date, Gloria had better brace herself, because she's pulled!